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Article - Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms

by Off A Cough on Thursday 11 June 2009

June 11th, 2009
Washington DC

Obama signs bailout for 3D Realms

All out of bubblegum, but flush with tax payer cash and ready to kick ass.

In a small White House ceremony this morning, President Barack Obama signed into law Software Development Infinite Life Cycle Funding Relief Program (SDILCFRP), providing $20 billion of tax payer dollars for struggling developer 3D Realms.

"It is important that we look toward long-term employment considerations in the United States, and this law will employ dozens for at least two decades of further development on Duke Nukem Forever," the President said in brief remarks. "In a world where the process is clearly more important than the goal, we must make sure that people are rewarded just for being, and not punished for failing to produce."

Under terms of the new law, 3D Realms will be required to make changes to game content to be consistent with administration policies and initiatives.

3D Realm's flagship game, Duke Nukem Forever, will be renamed to Duke Nuke for Change, and its star character will undergo a make-over to "better represent America to the world," according to UN Ambassador Susan Rice.

"It is no wonder that this game failed. Duke Nukem is the arch-typical right-wing extremist, carrying guns everywhere and waving the American flag. He bears no social obligation and leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes," Rice said.

Nukem will now carry the UN banner throughout the game, reading Miranda rights to the game's enemies and carrying injured aliens to free healthcare facilities throughout the urban areas that represent the game's setting.

Part of Duke Nukem's change will be disarming the charismatic character, with his guns being replaced with a ballpoint pen from ACORN and a voter registration clipboard. Nukem's new goal will be to enlighten extraterrestrial enemies to register to vote and participate in the political process, a possible indication of Obama's support of alien voter rights in the US.

In addition, the infamous swine-shaped law enforcement agents will be removed from the game entirely, so as to not offend Muslims who Obama hopes will become consumers of the software title, once completed. Instead, all enemies will be modeled to appear as Rush Limbaugh.

"If Duke is successful in registering them to vote, he will gain points and the enemy will transform into an attractive, young, cool hipster wearing hemp clothing and carrying the latest iPhone," according to DNF's new project manager, Rahm Emmanuel. "However, if Nukem fails to register the enemy, their kidneys will immediately fail and they will die."

Republicans immediately released a statement blasting the program as a waste of tax payer dollars, and promised to slow the funding by placing George Broussard in charge of all SDILCFRP operations.
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